An Apology to My Creativity

I’m sorry…

  • that I rush you
  • putting you in a scheduled time block
  • assuming you will behave and stay put
  • never really being allowed to roam free
  • rarely appreciated for what you are and what you give

I take back…

  • when dollars made me feel proud of you
  • rushing through school to “master” techniques
  • sensitivity to critique and input
  • permitting other’s perceptions to railroaded my perceptions of you
  • cringing when non-creatives call me “artsy”
  • presenting myself safely, ensuring you fit the tolerance of the mainstream

I regret…

  • using backwards measuring sticks from without, versus focusing on what success and responsibility is for my soul
  • simplifying you through commodification
  • the incredibly small space I give you to breathe
  • the experiences, moments, and processes missed due to fear

I choose to….

  • live a fully integrated creative life, all the time, all the days
  • embrace the gift I am entrusted to steward as my responsibility and contribution to the world
  • reject my critique that causes you to shrink
  • relentlessly and audaciously pursue the edges and experiences of you
  • allow failure and success to fade, and process and journey to prevail

Context | This apology to my creativity formed as I was providing some ESG consulting to companies on apologies for corporate failures. A good apology can be so healing. Fuck the idea of no apologies, no regrets, no take backs- that robs us of authentic reflection and opportunities for healing. I regret much, time to say it.

As those close to me know, I have been creating since a very young age. Food, interior design and staging, movement, digital design, music, ESG project innovation, innovative trauma therapy, physical painting- it is unavoidable that I am cut from the creative cloth, through and through.

But as I’ve matured and grown, my practice and understanding of creativity is deepening, and developing into a relationship. Instead of relegating creativity to an activity, a marketplace for others, or a mere part of me stored away for when it’s permitted to come out, I am beginning to embrace the audacity of it being all of me. All the time. All the days. In every way. For good, for bad, for strange, and for ground-breakingly beautiful. It’s what sets me apart, gives me an edge, gives me space to contribute, and drives me to complete madness. Putting this out there because it’s time to make this right, to apologize and make right this relationship. Maybe as you read this, there’s something for you to make right with, starting with yourself.

Influencing References | Two resources inspired this apology. The first is the work of Amelie Lamont on Allyship, where she outlines what a good and true apology is. The second is the “A man named Scott” documentary on Amazon Prime, which powerfully details the journey of the artist Kid Cudi.

Images | All images are current works in my painting practice, created in the last 5 years.

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